Beyond What's Seen
by sablecain
Summary: one part, short, follow up to "the defiant one"- Sheppard is stewing about McKay's actions


_RATING: PG-13 for Language  
SEASON: First season right after "The Defiant One"  
MAJOR CHARACTERS: Sheppard and McKay  
DISCLAIMERS: The characters, Atlantis, etc, all belong to MGM, Gecko, Showtime, the Sci-Fi Channel.  
NOTE: I'm still new and I don't know much about SG tech stuff but I'm learning. Please have patience! I got the name spellings from the sci fi channel website.  
SUMMARY: A short follow up to "The Defiant One" Sheppard's stewing about McKay's actions  
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: Again- it's all Tipper and NT's fault I'm here! Thanks to NT for betaing and encouraging and making great suggestions  
FEEDBACK: Yes , reviews are appreciated!  
SPOILERS: for "The Defiant One", I don't think there are any others._

**Beyond What's Seen  
by sablecain**

Major John Sheppard stood stiffly, leaning against the wall of the back of the room, his eyes scanning the crowd as he tried to focus on listening to the speaker.

The room, one that was large enough for meetings and conferences and usually used for more cheerful gatherings, had been transformed. Now, the atmosphere was somber and heavy as official ceremony combined with grief. At the podium, Dr. Zelenka stuttered through two eulogies:one for Abrams; one for Gall. Beside the scientist, Elizabeth stood, staring straight ahead, her eyes suspiciously moist. She'd already finished presenting posthumous commendations to both of the deceased, recognizing their sacrifice.

Sheppard shifted and adjusted his arm, pulling at the sling Dr. Beckett had insisted he wear to ease the pressure on his ribs and keep the stitches in his arm from pulling. John had voiced his objections…and reluctantly obeyed, but it'd been almost a week and now he'd had enough of the contraption.

Zelenka's thick accent droned on, but the words were lost to Sheppard as he searched the room again. The crowd was mostly made up of scientists and engineers, those who'd been most familiar with both Abrams and Gall. The Major spotted a few of his men as well, Bates, Sanchez and Markham And in the back row, sitting with Dr. Beckett, he saw Ford and Teyla, all there to show their respects. He shifted; his discomfort and anger growing. One by one, he searched each face looking for the one he most believed should be there, and didn't find it.

It wasn't like Sheppardwanted to be there either, but he felt he should be, needed to be. He owed it to Abrams and Gall. McKay owed it to Abrams and Gall.

Suddenly, he couldn't stand there any longer. The service was almost over and the last thing he wanted was to get caught in conversation. He left the room, hurrying down the hallway. There'd been too many conversations, too many questions since their return from the disastrous mission. He'd lost count of the briefings as he'd over and over again given his account of what happened and then listened to McKay give his.

Sheppard made a fist and relaxed it, flexing his sore arm, testing it, as he walked.

That's when things had started to really bother him, he decided, seeing the way McKay had been acting. On the planet, Rodney had seemed genuinely torn up about both scientists' deaths, particularly Gall's. Then, during the long trip home, after reporting to Sheppard what'd happened exactly with Gall, McKay had gradually transformed from solemn to his normal arrogant self. By the time they'd reached Atlantis and John had been ushered into Dr. Beckett's care…it was almost like the trip had never happened.

Moving quickly, Sheppard made it to McKay's quarters without being stopped by anyone. He knocked harshly, waiting all of thirty seconds before resorting to his ATA gene to open the door. The cluttered room was empty. He hurried through it and entered the lab.

There was only one scientist working. A small Japanese woman with glasses, who looked up, startled when he entered from McKay's quarters. She looked at him fearfully.

"Dr. McKay here?" John asked sharply, scanning the room, not at all distracted by the amazing technology.

The woman shook her head, her ponytail flipping from side to side, as she whispered a barely audible, "no."

"Know where he is?"

This time there was just a headshake and slight blush. He didn't bother with saying thank you, just left through the lab's main entrance and headed for the mess hall.

It wasn't really that he thought McKay should be acting like a blubbering mass of guilt over the whole incident, John rationalized as he stormed towards a transporter. But the man could show a little respect at least, couldn't he? A little compassion even?

Instead, it was as if Rodney was reading from a scientific journal each time he'd spoken of the matter. Cold and factual, McKay had shared everything. He hadn't left out any of the mistakes either of them had made. If anything, he'd actually emphasized a few,but still, with each retelling, no matter how many times he'd repeated his account of Gall's suicide, there was no sign he even cared. No sign of regret, no sign of anger, no sign of anything…and it pissed Sheppard off.

The mess hall was empty as John stormed in. He scowled at his watch. It wasn't even close to any mealtime. Still, that didn't always matter on Atlantis. With crews working round the clock shifts, there was almost always someone grabbing a snack or meal at the messhall and half the time it was a good bet to find McKay there.

John growled under his breath and headed back to the transporter. He'd try the control room next. If Rodney wasn't there, he could check the life signs detector and see if he could spot a lone dot.

He jabbed viciously at the transporter's touch screen. McKay was always alone lately. Another difference since they'd returned. It seemed Rodney didn't have the time or inclination to be civil to anyone and since the team was grounded until Sheppard was fully recovered, was always excusing himself to go work on some important project or another. Now, the physicist had the audacity to blow off Gall and Abram's memorial.

John entered the control room, head down and ready to confront McKay…only to find the place running on a skeleton crew. Grodin was the only one Sheppard recognized, realizing that most were probably still returning from the service. Grodin looked up at him.

"You seen McKay?" John asked.

Grodin shook his head then paused, nodding instead. "He was here an hour ago. Said something about maybe taking a break."

"A break?" Sheppard asked, wiggling easily out of his sling. He was done with it.

Grodin raised an eyebrow as Sheppard tossed the contraption into an empty chair, but didn't comment on it. "He looked tired," he observed instead.

"I'm sure he did," John seethed, leaving the enclosed room and headed toward the jumper bay, forgetting about the life signs detector. "Where are you, Rodney?" Where would McKay take a break if not in the places he'd already checked?

The gym crossed his mind, but he quickly dismissed the idea. That was somewhere he would go. McKay would never make the trek clear out there and certainly not to work out.

It came to him suddenly and he smacked his forehead at the obviousness of it. Spinning on his heel, he headed back the way he'd come, ignoring Grodin's curious look as well as the look Elizabeth and Teyla exchanged as he marched by them without acknowledging them. He wondered if they blamed him…or McKay…or both of them. Did Elizabeth think that it was their fault that Abrams and Gall had died? They were the ones who'd insisted on checking out the planet and the wraith distress call. They had worked together to persuade her that it was important, and what had they learned from it? How hard it was to kill one determined wraith? How easy it was to lose men on a simple reconnaissance mission?

It was their fault. It was his fault. The guilt he felt boiled into rage. Why didn't McKay feel the same burden? How could Rodney just go on without even blinking at the loss of life? He spotted McKay then, as the door slid open for him. The physicist leaned casually against the balcony's rail. He stared out at the sea, one hand closed, fisted around something Sheppard couldn't identify. He didn't care.

The door closed behind him. "Where the hell have you been?" Sheppard demanded angrily.

McKay jumped, obviously startled. Fear flashed in his eyes and he started toward the Major. "Why? Did something happen?" His voice cracked with panic. "What's happened?"

John advanced, his frustration and rage overwhelming him. "Nothing. Nothing's happened, has it, McKay?"

Rodney took a step backwards, the concern in his eyes turning to confusion. "I don't understand."

Sheppard kept going, so angry now it was all he could do not to shove the doctor. Rodney took another few steps backwards, bumping his lower back against the rail.

"Nothing's wrong at all. We just took a routine scouting trip. No big deal."

McKay paled but Sheppard couldn't stop.

"We didn't insist on checking out the wraith ship. Abram's didn't get the life sucked out of him. Gall didn't shoot his brains out, and I didn't get my ass kicked by a pissed off, Robinson Crusoe wanna-be of a wraith." He was shouting now, inches away from Rodney.

"Major." McKay's voice was a harsh whisper.

"How dare you ignore the whole thing? What gives you the right not to care?"

"I care," the words seemed to tremble as Rodney spoke them.

"You didn't even go to their fucking memorial service! How can you just forget all about them?"

"I didn't forget!" McKay snapped, shouting back as loudly as Sheppard. His face contorted, the calm façade crumbling. "I did not forget!"

It was Sheppard's turn to be stunned.

"You think I haven't gone over every minute of that trip?" Rodney asked sharply. "You don't think I haven't spent every day, every night, analyzing every last second of it?"

Sheppard backed up a step.

"You think I don't recall time and time again where I might have changed it all? If I'd never insisted we check out the distress call? If I hadn't teased Brandon about doing real fieldwork? If I hadn't realized sooner that that damn monster could have survived all those years? Do you really think I'm just a heartless scientist who could care less about any one else?" His eyes were bright suddenly and John eased back yet another step. "I see it all, Major!" McKay rasped. "Every hour, every day, I see it all. Every time I close my eyes, see Abram's body. I see Gall." He swallowed. "I hear him telling me he was dying. I hear you telling me you've taken fire. I see you flying through the air like a rag doll when that thing hit you…I hear his gun go off and I see…I see…" He bent over suddenly like someone had punched him in the stomach and sank to his knees.

In an instant, John understood. His own anger vented and gone, he stepped closer to McKay, seeking to help.

Rodney looked up at him, tears full in his eyes but not spilling over. "I worked with them almost every day. What gives you the right to judge how I choose to remember them?" he whispered hoarsely, and then looked away.

"McKay." Sheppard looked out at the calm sea, searching for words. He hadn't noticed how brightly the sun was shining…it seemed wrong somehow. Wasn't it supposed to rain for funerals? "I'm sorry." He looked back down at Rodney.

McKay nodded, accepting the apology without looking up, his focus on his hands.

"Why here?" John asked, leaning back on the rail. He felt extremely tired all of the sudden.

Rodney glanced up at him and shrugged. "It was quiet. I owed them my undivided attention." He sighed deeply and pushed himself to his feet. Wearily he moved beside Sheppard. They stood, shoulder to shoulder, facing opposite directions. The only sound was the lulling rhythm of the sea.

"We're pretty screwed up, aren't we?" John asked after several minutes had passed.

Rodney chuckled lightly. "No more than most, I suppose. At least we didn't melt down in front of witnesses."

Sheppard nodded. "Feel any better?"

"Not really."

"Me either." He turned slightly, looking over his shoulder, as Rodney carefully clutched at something. "What is that?"

Rodney smiled faintly. "I asked Elizabeth for their patches." He held the two Atlantis insignias up so John could see them.

"Why?" There was no judgment in the question, just open curiosity.

Rodney traced the pattern reverently. "So I never forget."

From the window of Elizabeth's office, she and Teyla watched the two men, now calmly talking on the balcony.

"Think they'll be okay now?" Weir wondered aloud.

"I think," Teyla, responded thoughtfully, her head tilting to the side, "that in time, together, they will heal."


End file.
